What Kind of Wingman Are You, According to Your Zodiac Sign?

Dating Humor
November 28, 2017 / By /




Aries (March 21-April 19)

You speak your mind boldly without much care about what others think, meaning you’re able to sidle up and strike up a conversation with pretty much anyone. In fact, “rejection” isn’t even in your vocabulary. Because of this, you are a true god/goddess among wingmen for the more timid members of your crew. By the time your shy friend finally gets to the party, you will have identified and chatted up at least five potential date candidates for them, complete with pro and con lists for each person written up in your iPhone notes.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

“Heavy vetting” is your middle name. If a buddy is looking ditch the group for some girl or guy, they better be worth it. When your friend points out their potential mate standing at the bar, you head over, order two glasses of the establishment’s best scotch, and introduce yourself. If they prove themselves worldly, intelligent, and successful enough for your friend, swoop in with a casual introduction about their mutual favorite podcast, then swiftly disappear into the depths of a speakeasy and enjoy more 100-year-old scotch to the tune of free jazz or whatever crazy hedonism you bulls call “fun.”

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Since you’re always secretly seeking your other half, you’re a total natural at the wingman gig. When you meet a magazine editor at a party whose passion for verbal sparring rivals that of you and your BFF and realize that they would be perfect for each other, seize the moment to brag on your friend’s behalf. Pull up their incredibly well-curated Instagram. Recant a flattering story from one of your many camping trips in which your friend bravely saved you from a bear. Tout their world famous chili recipe. You get the idea. You love to connect people, and you look good doing it. Keep on keepin on, you little Gem.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

As the living embodiment of DJ Khaled’s “No New Friends” ethos, you remain deeply loyal to your inner circle. If you had it your way, you would move all of your closest buddies onto a sprawling compound by the ocean and call it a day. Because of this, you would much rather your friends not stray too far from the group when it comes to finding a mate. When a pal mentions they are looking to get back in the dating saddle after a bad breakup, you take the liberty of setting up a good old fashioned blind date with one of your favorite cousins. After all, why remain chosen family in name alone when you could legalize it through marriage?

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Bold Leo, your greatest challenge as a wingman will be to make sure you don’t inadvertently steal your friend’s thunder with your vivacious charm. When you meet someone at an artists’ retreat who seems like a perfect match for your dear pal, extend them an invite to the party you’re throwing on Saturday. When you realize you haven’t even planned a party for Saturday yet, quickly book a DJ and send out a Facebook invite to everyone you know. Invite your friend over to get ready before the party to make sure they’re looking fire. If they protest the glittery eye shadow, just remind them, “I don’t shine if you don’t shine.”

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

When your friend complains for the millionth time about not feeling a “spark” with anyone these days, remind them that a sustainable relationship is built on tangible compatibility, respect, and communication, not flighty passion. Rather than go to a bar to meet people, you suggest that the two of you perhaps attend a reading at a local bookstore featuring an author you both love. Maybe there will be a worthy date candidate in the audience. Because wouldn’t you rather tell your mom that you first bonded with your future partner over books rather than booze?

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Not to be too on the nose, but in your experience, you’ve always found the most balanced and harmonious relationships spring from activities in nature. When your friend expresses interest in meeting someone new, take them on a camping trip to Yosemite to conquer the Half Dome. After all, you remind them lovingly, how are you supposed to open up to somebody else if you are not at peace with your inner-self? And where better to find your true self than amidst the elements? Plus, you’ve heard there are a lot of cute park rangers on duty. So there’s that.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

When your pals come to you for wingman services, they’re looking for a solid second opinion. They also know that if they start dating someone you dislike, you will make their partner’s life a living hell until you inevitably break up. In pursuit of your approval, any potential mate in question will have approximately 2.5 seconds to prove him or herself worthy of your friend’s unconditional love. No, seriously. This is not a drill. Are they whip smart? Check. Attractive? Check. Ambitious? Check. A gifted conversationalist? Check. Alright, they passed phase one of the Scorpio Suitor test. What’s phase two, you ask? No one has ever made it past phase two. It probably involves walking on hot coals.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

When you’re at a bar and your friend says they’re looking to settle down ASAP, your first question will be, “I mean, are you sure? Why not play the field for another year or five?? We’re young!” When they proceed to explain how finding a mate now fits perfectly into their five year plan, you tell them to please stop talking before you fall asleep right then and there at the table, then tell them you have a genius idea. You march right up to the bartender, whip out your credit card, and order shots for the entire bar. Once everyone is a little liquored up, parade your friend around the bar and introduce them enthusiastically as “The Most Brilliant Person I Know.” If that tactic doesn’t reel in a good one, you’re not sure what will tbh.

Capricorn (December 21-January 19)

Everyone knows it’s all business for you, Cap, so any potential mates your friends want help nabbing sure as hell better have a resume or CV printed and ready for review. Better yet, when your pal asks for an assist in the dating department, take them as your plus one to your company holiday party. While you know your friend is perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, you want to find them someone who is equally ambitious in every sense: financially, creatively, spiritually — they deserve the whole damn package. After a round of drinks, orchestrate a seamless meet and greet with your company’s new MVP at the appetizer table. Slam dunk romance.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

We already know that you would take a bullet for your best friend, so it’s safe to assume that you frequently go out of your way to make sure their dating life flourishes. Before setting out to help your pal find a partner, listen hard to what they want to see in a mate, and think long and hard about where you might find such a unicorn. The key for you is to remember that this is their relationship, not yours. Once you start on the hunt, a word for the wise: if things don’t go your friend’s way immediately, don’t get aggressive. Remember: if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Don’t freak out, but you’re kind of psychic. You already knew that, of course. Unsurprisingly, your intuition will come in handy for matchmaking. Since you’re not one for small talk, playing the wingman role gives you a chance to cut right to the core of your friend’s love interest, quickly assessing their worthiness, sense of humor, and ability to deliver on their promises. When you’re stuck in a pool thought, people sometimes think you’re aloof or standoffish. While that’s normally a negative, you can use that to your advantage as a wingman, challenging your buddy’s suitor to impress you with their creative prowess and rich inner life.

Ready to assemble your wingmen and hit the town?

Get Sweet Pea.

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